Relationships evolve. Young couples embark on marriage with separate habits and behaviors that in time become shared patterns. For senior women and senior men, the years of compromise are over. We’re lugging a lot of baggage. We’re open to new relationships, but we’re wary of meeting someone whose habits conflict with our own.
Trouble is, it’s a small world out there for single seniors — the older we get the smaller the dating pool. We’re going to be tying up with someone whose habits don’t match our own. What if he’s obsessive compulsive and you’re a scatterbrain? Or his dirty socks are strewn on the floor and you’re a clean freak? How can conservative and liberal ever make peace? And imagine the calamity that awaits a music-lover and a partner with a tin ear.
Here are some reflections on – and a few solutions to — the odd couple challenge.
- POLITICAL DIFFERENCES – These differences should never be a big deal; when they are, don’t take them personally; an attack on your favorite politician is not an attack on you. Focus on common ground (e.g., you both dislike the proposed tax plan, you want improved security at airports, you support equal rights for all in the LGBT community).
- BIG COMPROMISES — Make major compromises only if you won’t feel resentment later. A city dweller who moves to a country home or a Philadelphian who relocates to Nevada will have a huge adjustment to make. The same applies to sharing life with a skinflint when you love shopping, or a stay-at-home when you love to travel. Accept major life changes only when you are fully prepared for disappointment — and you won’t take it out on your partner.
- MINOR COMPROMISES – If he’s wild about Mozart and hates Rock and Roll, download the Rolling Stones to your smartphone, and use earphones when he’s close by. On the other hand, it will please him no end when you slide beside him on the sofa to watch a PBS symphony broadcast or go smilingly to a live symphony performance.
- NOT TAKING THE BAIT – Maybe he thinks he’s being cute and clever when he teases you about your wardrobe, your weight, your cooking, your age, or your grandchildren. If these comments hit home, you’ll be tempted to deliver a snappy rejoinder. It’s tough to smile instead, but if you ignore his carping, it will stop.
- TOGETHERNESS TIME FRAMES – Let’s say he’s retired and you’re not. Senior men who have made a commitment to share their lives with new partners are not looking to spend time alone. Companionship is their mantra and they crave your full attention. Be prepared with reassurances to counter his inevitable imagining that your job may be more important than he is.
- RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES – The many books and blogs written about this sensitive subject mostly deal with young couples and the challenges of raising children in a 2-religion household. Older couples can manage more easily. All it takes is respect for each other’s religious convictions and rituals, and that includes no pressures or comparisons that would compromise a partner’s beliefs.
- THE MONEY GAP – This is a complex challenge because it can call up envy (“She buys with abandon and I struggle”) and suspicion (“Does he care for me or is it my comfortable home?”). Seniors’ nest eggs are only partly for sustenance – most of us think of leaving something besides debt for our children. Many seniors report that the best way to manage finances is to divide the cost of necessities (food, utilities, home maintenance, taxes, vacations) and beyond that to keep separate accounts, with full disclosure when that’s appropriate.
- KIDS AND GRANDKIDS – Different ideas about childrearing have been deal breakers for many older couples. One reader of this blog wrote, “This man was everything I wanted until he turned into a monster when it came to my kids. He detested them and he made it obvious.” There’s no remedy for your dislike of a partner’s family (they’re not going to change), except for excusing yourself from time spent with them. Pretending to adore grandchildren you find unpleasant will backfire, I’m afraid.
